The Audacious Author
by RockSunner
Summary: In this sequel to the AU fiction The Intractable Interrogator, Klaus writes about the sad life of Lemony Snicket. Finale and ending notes completed.
1. Prologue with the Baudelaires

This is a sequel to the story "The Intractable Interrogator" and it takes place in an alternate universe from the regular books. You might want to read that story first to avoid spoilers. Standard disclaimer: none of the main characters belong to me.

The Audacious Author

I put the stack of twelve small volumes down on the kitchen table with a thump.

"What are those, Klaus?" asked Violet.

"First-edition volumes of the 'Series of Unfortunate Events'," I answered.

"About us?" asked Sunny (though she had long outgrown one-word baby-talk, she still liked to use as few words as possible).

"Yes, these are the books Lemony Snicket wrote about us," I said. "They were first published as fast as he could write them, in a limited edition for the libraries of V.F.D. members. Now HarperCollins wants to put out a mass-market edition. The first book will come out in 1999 and they'll release one more every few months to build up interest."

"Why would anyone want to read about our misfortunes?" asked Violet in a very displeased tone.

"That's what Lemony kept saying in the books, but people seem to like sad stories," I replied. "The publisher expects them to be very popular. They sent these for us to review and revise if we want to. I've been skimming through them this afternoon."

"Accurate?" asked Sunny.

"Remarkably," I said, "Considering he wrote them all from circumstantial evidence. There are a few details wrong here and there, but the main facts are correct. It might be good to update them in a few places, though."

"What do you mean?" asked Violet.

I opened the book called "The Austere Academy" and flipped to the sixth chapter. I read: "When the Baudelaires woke up early the next morning and walked to the administrative building to talk to Nero about Coach Genghis, they found the grounds empty and silent, as if Prufrock Preparatory School had been closed for many years,"

"I think that if Lemony Snicket were still alive today he would want to foreshadow the future, describe Prufrock as it is now. He might say 'Prufrock Preparatory School is now closed. It has been closed for many years, ever since Mrs. Bass was arrested for bank robbery...' and then tie that in with the school's deserted appearance that morning."

"I don't have time to revise books," Violet said. "I have to work. More orders are coming in than Hector, Fiona, Fernald and I can deal with. And I still need to help Hector with his new floating ship in my spare time."

I didn't press her. It had been hard on all of us when Violet came of age and we discovered that we had no fortune left, that Mr. Poe had embezzled it all. Her repair business was bringing in enough to get by, but not much more. On top of that, there was the tragic business with Duncan and Quigley last year. Isadora blamed us for Violet's part in the love triangle that left one of her brothers dead and the other in prison, and she was no longer speaking to any of us.

"Cooking classes," said Sunny. It seemed that she, too, did not want to be reminded of unpleasant times by checking over the books.

"I guess it's up to me," I said. "I have some time during the break in my graduate studies. And there's something more I want to do. The series seems incomplete with only twelve books. I will make it my solemn duty to write the story of the life of this unhappy man who gave his life to write ours."

"Isn't there an Unauthorized Autobiography already?" Violet asked.

"Scraps of disjointed material, that's all they have. I want to research his life and tie it all together in a new volume. I'll call it 'The Audacious Author'." 


	2. The Box of Wigs, and that Strange Suit

Chapter 1 of Book the 13th, The Audacious Author

I will begin Lemony Snicket's story, as he did ours, not at the very beginning, but at a critical turning point in his life. He had just returned from a mission in the South Seas, where he had encountered an erupting volcano, a series of corridors built entirely out of human skulls, and a sinister cabal that owned a horrible sea-monster.

When he returned to his home-in-exile in Peru, he found a letter waiting for him addressed to "Monty Kensicle". Only a few people knew he had begun writing incredibly cute but incredibly boring books about the Littlest Elf under that pen-name. The letter was stamped with the seal of the Duchess of Winnipeg, who was always known to him by the name "R".

There was no letter enclosed, only a single clipping from the Daily Punctilio, an obituary notice:

"Widdershins, Beatrice. Died unexpectedly at sea from an attack by man-eating manatees. Survived by husband Captain Ishmael Widdershins, and by her two children, Fiona and Fernald (the latter is wanted for arson in connection with the Anwhistle Aquatics fire). No flowers, just do what you can to make the world a quieter place."

Lemony gasped. His beloved Beatrice, dead? NO!! But then he remembered what she told him years ago when they trained together in the Valley of the Four Drafts.

"If you ever hear of my death, and it has anything to do with manatees, that will be my sign to you that I'm not really dead. I just had to disappear."

If Beatrice wasn't dead, perhaps she had faked her death to be free of her husband. Then there was hope again, hope he had not dared to have for the last fifteen years since their engagement had been broken. He must return and find her again! But he would have to be very careful. Like her son Fernald, he was wanted for arson... a crime he had never committed.

Fortunately, his years on the run had made him a master of disguise. He was able to smuggle himself back into the country by hiding himself in a shipment of bananas, disguised as a large tarantula. The dock workers screamed and ran when they saw such a gigantic spider, giving him the chance to slip away.

The first thing he had to do was get in touch with Duchess R, to see if she had any more information for him. She had been his friend from his earliest days in the V.F.D., when they met in the infirmary, telling each other stories to distract themselves from the pain of their new ankle tattoos.

With an exchange of coded postcards they agreed to meet in the coffee shop of a large drugstore. R came disguised as Lemony disguised as her, and Lemony came disguised as R disguised as him. That way, if the police saw them they would be so confused that they wouldn't know who to follow.

"O Mr. Sni..., or should I call you Mr. Kensicle?" said the Duchess. "I didn't expect you to come rushing back here... but I knew you would want to know about B's death."

"Call me L," said Lemony. "Please keep this very confidential, but I don't think she's really dead. She told me years ago not to believe a report of her death if it involved manatees."

"Oh my, how extraordinary! I had no idea," said R.

"I have to see her again," said Lemony.

"How can you do that? She has completely cut off contact with everyone. She had to, you know, to pretend to be dead," said the Duchess.

"I'll find her somehow," Lemony declared.

"If you can find her before my masked ball next month, I'll arrange an invitation for her. She can attend disguised, to protect her new identity. And you can attend disguised as well, to hide your identity from the police."

"Thank you R, that will be wonderful," Lemony said.

"I'll do anything I can to further the course of true love," said R.

"Would you give me an update on how our organization has been doing? I've been rather out of touch, in exile for 15 years since the schism," Lemony said.

"L, the schism has gotten worse and worse. M's Reptile Conservatory was burned down just last week. He's trying to find the surviving reptiles and moving them out to a new place in the country. The other side is looking for them, too."

"Very bad. How are my brother and sister, J and K?"

"I wouldn't approach them if I were you... terrible things are happening now even on the quiet side of the schism. There was a huge scandal with B and J's son, F. He went over to the other side and burned down Anwhistle Aquatics. That what the newspapers say, anyway."

"Just a moment... you said B and J's son? I thought the Captain's name started with an I," said Lemony.

"F is B's son by your brother J, L. F's younger sister, also F, is too," said R.

"What? How could he betray me like that? He knew I loved her!" said Lemony, aghast.

"Well, you left under a cloud of suspicion. I never believed you were guilty, but J and B apparently did," said the Duchess.

"J helped me flee the country. He was supposed to tell B not to believe what she read in the papers about me!" said Lemony.

"He didn't tell her any such thing, as far as I know" said R, "I think he took advantage of your absence to win her for himself. But she eventually saw through him; she divorced him and married the Captain."

"Thanks for the warning, anyway," said Lemony. "I'll be sure not to go near my siblings."

"K is still on your side, I think," said the Duchess. "But she has hardened a lot in the past few years. Now she's designing a ship to catch and punish traitors... one with a slave galley, I heard."

"If only our organization could be as pure and and noble as it was in the old days..." said Lemony with a sigh.

"I guess there's no going back," the Duchess sighed as well.

"One more thing..." Lemony said.

"Yes?" said the Duchess.

"I need to travel light and move quickly. Would you store this box of things for me? It has my spare disguises: the wigs, the fake wooden leg, the navy blue suit, and that chest-of-drawers costume I wore when I stole back the V.F.D's master sugar bowl from E."

"That reminds me, you must be very careful of O," said R. "He still very much wants revenge on both you and B for taking that sugar bowl."

"I'll be careful," said Lemony. "The box also has my best typewriter and my bright blue accordion, which is my third favorite. Please take good came of it, R"  
"Of course I will, L," said the Duchess. "I'll put it in your old guest room, and if you can find B she shall have the guest room next to yours. It's so romantic!"

And so Lemony Snicket set out to find the missing Beatrice in her new identity, a decision that would have tragic consequences for them both... had he but known.


	3. The Third Sibling, with the Marmosets

Chapter 2 of Book the 13th 

Lemony lost no time in setting up a headquarters for his investigation. Using his most prized possessions (two locked wooden boxes, one with a key to unlock the other, and one with a parchment showing secret passages and other mysteries of the city) he quickly found an ideal place. It was an abandoned Volunteer Field Depot behind a telegraph office, with easy access to tap into the phone wires so that he could send and receive Volunteer Factual Dispatches. It was also near Pomegranate Park, where he could feed and exercise his pets.

His pets had been sleeping, curled up in his pockets while he talked with the Duchess. He drew them out now, two tiny marmoset monkeys he had acquired from a native vendor in Peru. They were extremely cute, though sometimes inconvenient and smelly, and they had become great comforts in his lonely life. They ate tree sap, fruit, and insects and they loved to climb trees.

"Hi Pyramus. Hi Thisbe," he said to the marmosets. "How are you doing?"

The two monkeys chattered back to him.

"We're going to find Beatrice. You'll like her, she's wonderful," said Lemony.

After Lemony took the monkeys to play and eat in the park, he tapped into the telegraph and soon Volunteer Factual Dispatches began arriving:

"CAFE SALMONELLA SITUATION IS GETTING SERIOUS STOP. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING OR ALL OUR TRAINED SALMON WILL BE LOST STOP."

"CONGRATULATIONS TO BAUDELAIRE FAMILY ON BIRTH OF NEW BABY DAUGHTER VIOLET STOP."

"SINCE JACQUES SNICKET HAS GONE TO CAPTAIN TRAINING FOR NEW OCTOPUS VESSEL THERE IS IMMEDIATE OPENING FOR CREW OF QUEEQUEG STOP. APPLY TO CAPTAIN WIDDERSHINS AT DAEDALUS DOCK STOP."

"Aha," thought Lemony, "Captain Widdershins has a crew position open. It's a perfect opportunity for me to pick up the trail of Beatrice. I'll have to be careful, though. I can't let him know I believe she is alive. I hope Jacques hasn't been filling his mind with lies about me."

He immediately packed his things and took a taxi to the Daedalus Dock. He found Widdershins sitting on a barrel by the side of the pier, looking out to sea with an unhappy scowl. Captain Widdershins was middle-aged, trim, and fit, not as heavy as he would become later in life when I met him. A small toddler played at his feet, cute but not as beautiful as she would become later in life when I met her.

"Captain Widdershins, do you remember me? I had a fish-training class with you years ago. I heard you are looking for a new crew member," said Lemony.

"Aye!" said the Captain, "The Crew of Two is one short! So that makes it the Crew of One! And that doesn't rhyme as well. Aye! Also, that one is my baby stepdaughter Fiona here. Not much use in the cooking department. I need a cook. Aye! Can you cook? Aye?"

"Certainly I can," said Lemony, though he was far from competent in the kitchen. He badly wanted the job to get a line on Beatrice.

"Well then, I'll hire you! Aye! I'll show you around the Queequeg! No, first I'll find you a diving suit! No, first I'll ask your name! What's your name? Aye?"

"Lemony Snicket. I'm Jacques' brother, just back from overseas. I hope you haven't heard bad things about me... They're not true."

"Aye. Even Jacques admits now that the things he said about you were... exaggerations. My wife thought better of you after a time, too. There, you've made me talk about my wife! Aye! And I don't want to talk about her! Aye!" He shook his head vigorously to shake the tears from his eyes. "Come along to the Queequeg with you. You too, Fiona. Aye!"

Fiona pointed at the tiny monkeys that had just peeked their heads out of Lemony's pocket. "Oooh, what are those?"

"These are my pet marmoset monkeys, Pyramus and Thisbe," said Lemony kindly. He could see Beatrice in her eyes and it sent a pang through his heart.

"Monkeys?" said Widdershins sharply. "You think my ship is a menagerie? Aye? The Submarine Q and its Crew of Two is a zoo? Aye? You can't bring monkeys aboard! Aye!"

"Pleeease, Daddy? They're sooo cute!" cried Fiona.

"Oh, all right, Fiona. Aye!" said Widdershins. "But mind you, you'll have to keep them out of mischief and clean up their messes, Lem... how do you say your name again?"

"Lemony," said Lemony.

"Strange name. Aye! Hard to remember! Aye! How about I just call you Cookie? Aye?" said the Captain.

"That will be fine," said Lemony. He was a little offended, but he didn't want any more trouble in getting the job.

They entered the Queequeg, which was in fine ship-shape condition, not as run-down as it was when we saw it. The Captain showed him all over the ship, only stopping when he came to a cabin at the end of a corridor.

"You can go anywhere freely on this ship, Cookie, but not that room. Aye! That room is none of your beeswax! Aye! That means, none of your business but I like the way it sounds better. Aye!"

"Aye," said Lemony. But late that night, after the submarine had gotten under way, he sneaked out and picked the lock of that room in hopes of finding clues to what happened to Beatrice.

To his astonishment, he found an elderly man sitting dejectedly on a bunk bed inside.

"Who are you?" Lemony asked.

"I'm Gregor Anwhistle, an ichnologist," said the man. "Captain Widdershins is keeping me here against my will!"


	4. The Snicket Snickersnee

Chapter 3 of Book the 13th 

"I ran Anwhistle Aquatics for many years," said Gregor Anwhistle. "It was a center for marine research and rhetorical advice."

"Rhetorical advice?" asked Lemony.

"Instructing people on improved speech-making, with a focus on improving their grammar. My sister-in-law, Josephine Anwhistle, has taken over that part. We also had an underwater grotto for the cultivation of exotic mushrooms for the V.F.D. -- that was a bit controversial, I admit. Still, I didn't expect Widdershins to burn the place down!" said Gregor.

"The Daily Punctilio said it was Fernald who burned the center," said Lemony.

"No, Fernald had nothing to do with it. They planned to blame it on him, but the real culprits were Ishmael Widdershins and Jacques Snicket," said Gregor.

"Why did they kidnap you?" asked Lemony.

"Because, bad as they might be, they aren't killers. But now they don't know what to do with me. They may be working themselves up to disposing of me for good," said Gregor. "Please help me get out of here."

Lemony thought for a moment. It seemed there was something this man wasn't telling him. Still, it wasn't right for him to be held prisoner this way.

"I'll help you," said Lemony, "But I have something to investigate here, something very important to me. I can't just let you out and blow my cover. But I'll find a way."

"What are you trying to find out?" said Gregor.

"It's a private matter," said Lemony. "But I'll deal with it as quickly as I can."

"All right," said Gregor. "At least you've given me some hope."

The next day, Lemony got a large dust-rag and went around the ship pretending to clean it. Actually he was looking for the sorts of hiding-places Beatrice preferred, hoping to find a clue she had left behind.

Finally, he found a large plaque with the words: "THE CAPTAIN'S PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY, He who hesitates is lost!" The screws looked as if they had been refastened recently. He loosened them and found a piece of legal-sized paper that had been wedged behind the plaque. It read:

"SECRET ANNULMENT DOCUMENT: If this document remains in the home or place of business of the spouse of the person who obtained and signed this paper, hereinafter called the ANNULMENT GRANTEE for thirty (30) days from the date of signing, this document shall be deemed legal notice of annulment of the marriage, regardless of whether or not this document is ever found and read. A copy of this document, along with an attachment registering the new name and address of the ANNULMENT GRANTEE, will be held in the briefcase of the Secretary of Annulment Dispensation for thirty (30) days and then filed in the Secret Annulment Dispensation Document Enclosure Room of the Royal Palace, in case the spouse finds this document and wishes to contest the annulment.

ANNULMENT GRANTEE Signature: Beatrice Dante Snicket Widdershins."

Lemony quickly replaced the document behind the plaque and was busily polishing it when Captain Widdershins walked by. This was wonderful news! If Captain Widdershins didn't find the document in the next three days and contest it, Beatrice would be free of her marriage, free to marry Lemony! It also meant Lemony had only three days to come up with a plan to free Gregor Anwhistle, get to the office of the Secretary of Annulment Dispensation, steal the document attachment, and discover the new identity of Beatrice.

Just then, he heard a bellow from Captain Widdershins, "Cookie! Come here! Aye! We've received a Volunteer Factual Dispatch! We're going to meet with your sister Kit on the Cafe Salmonella situation! Aye!"

They sailed to the Damocles Dock and picked up Kit. Then met together in the main room of the submarine.

Kit was very businesslike, nodding to Lemony. "I heard you were back."

"Now that no one else's life is at stake but my own, I thought I might as well," said Lemony casually.

"Good, we can use you," said Kit. "Captain, give us a report on the Voluntary Fish Domestication situation."

"It's very bad! Aye! The salmon we've been trained to swim upstream and check for forest fires are being decimated by the fishing nets of the ships of the Cafe Salmonella! Aye! We've got to do something! He who hesitates is lost!" said Widdershins.

"Any suggestions, Lemony?" asked Kit.

"Perhaps. Is that new Octopus vessel of yours I read about completed yet?" asked Lemony.

"Yes, with the help of generous donations from the Baudelaires we got it up and running in short order," said Kit.

"Could it be fitted with large, sharp blade? We could cut the fishing nets loose," Lemony suggested.

"Excellent idea!" said Kit. "There is a large fly-swatter attachment for knocking down enemy aircraft. We can attach a blade to that easily."

"Aye!" said Widdershins, "We'll save those poor fishies! Aye! It seems like only yesterday that Fernald was helping me feed them, sneaking extra worms to his favorites..."

"Speaking of Fernald," Kit cut in, "Have you heard from him?"

"No, I haven't. The poor, confused lad..." said Widdershins.

"The poor confused lad who burned down a marine station, you mean," said Kit. "Of course, it was very convenient for us that he did. Gregor was insisting on raising those deadly Medusoid Mycelium mushrooms as weapons against our enemies. He was playing with fire. But still, Fernald went outside the council. He must be caught and punished."

"Are you sure he did it?" Lemony asked. It was a risky question, but knowing what he did about the imprisoned Gregor Anwhistle he had to hear what Widdershins would say.

"Of course I am," said Widdershins. "Fernald set the fire, and Gregor Anwhistle died in it. It's all here in black and white." He produced a newspaper clipping and unfolded it on the table.

"VERIFYING FERNALD'S DEFECTION" the headline read, and the article was bylined by Jacques Snicket. "It has now been confirmed that the fire that destroyed Anwhistle Aquatics, and took the life of famed ichnologist Gregor Anwhistle, was set by Fernald Widdershins..."

"It's completely true!" Widdershins said. "Fernald confessed to me before he ran away. I've been showing this article to everyone -- you, the Baudelaires, the Quagmires, even my dear wife a few days before she died! Aye! I caused her pain, accusing her own son. I wouldn't have done that unless it were true! Aye!" He shook tears from his eyes.

Lemony would almost have been convinced, except that he had seen Gregor Anwhistle alive last night. He knew Widdershins was lying.

"What are mushrooms?" asked a childish voice.

They turned and saw little Fiona standing in the doorway, with the two marmosets sitting on her shoulders.

"Don't bother your head about them, Fiona!" said Widdershins. "That's nothing for a child to be thinking about. Aye! Go off and play with your new friends."

"I'm going to learn all about mushrooms when I grow up," said Fiona stubbornly. She turned and ran down the corridor.

"Now see what we've done!" said Widdershins. "Let's get back to the subject at hand. Aye! When can we act against the Cafe Salmonella? Why do we hesitate? He who hesitates is lost!"

"We have agents in place at the Cafe, acting as waiters," said Kit. "They'll tell us when the next fishing expedition is going out. It should be soon. I'll telegram you."

Lemony hoped it was soon. He was determined to use the attack as an opportunity to rescue the kidnapped ichnologist!


	5. Too Many Waiters Turn Out to be Traitors

Chapter 4 of Book the 13th 

It was another two days before they heard from Kit. Lemony was having trouble waiting, not only because of his eagerness to find Beatrice but because of the increasingly loud complaints of Captain Widdershins about his bad cooking.

Finally, a telegram arrived from Kit saying the fishing boats were going out late that night. The plan was for the two submarines to meet, with the Octopus staying deep for concealment, for Lemony to swim down to join his two siblings, and then for the Octopus to move in to attack the fishing boats. Widdershins would stay at the surface in his vessel to watch for anyone approaching.

The problem Lemony faced was getting Gregor Anwhistle from the cabin where he was being held prisoner, through the main room where Widdershins was working, and out of the sub without being caught. He moved two diving suits (with the picture of Herman Melville on the front) from their storage locker to his cabin early in the day. Just before it was time for him to go, he opened the door to the prisoner's cabin.

"There's one condition if I help you to escape," he told Gregor.

"What's that?" asked Anwhistle.

"I know you were raising deadly mushrooms as weapons for the V.F.D. and I must ask you to promise never to do that again," said Lemony.

"Don't worry," said Gregor. "I can't trust any of them any more. I'll go into hiding and they'll never see me again."

"Here, put on this diving suit and helmet," said Lemony. "Then walk through the main room with your head held down. Widdershins will think you're me. Then go straight down the corridor and out the top hatch. You can swim to land. We're at the surface and very close to shore."

"How will you get through the room?" asked Gregor.

"I have a plan," said Lemony.

The first phase went smoothly. Gregor walked through the room and Widdershins just nodded to him and called "Good luck, Cookie! Aye!"

"Aye!" said Gregor, his voice so muffled by the diving helmet that Widdershins couldn't tell it wasn't Lemony's.

Lemony put on his own diving suit. He bent down to his two marmosets. "Now, Pyramus and Thisbe! Distraction!"

As they had been trained, the two monkeys sneaked into the room and climbed the wall behind the Captain's back. Then they jumped down and began screeching loudly. Just as Widdershins turned around to look, Lemony ran midway across the room, and faced as if he had come back through the other door.

"Cookie! Come back here and shut up these blasted monkeys! Aye! Oh, there you are," said the Captain, turning to face him.

"Hush, Pyramus and Thisbe. It's all right, I'll be back soon," said Lemony. He left Widdershins still grumbling about the noisy monkey menagerie in his sub.

As he watched Gregor swimming away, Lemony thought, "I've rescued a kidnapped ichnologist tonight. That's half the battle." Little did he know...

Just as Lemony was putting on his own helmet in preparation for diving down to the other sub, he noticed a peculiar odor in the air, something between dead fish and octopus sushi. Where had he smelled something like that before? Oh well, it didn't matter now.

He dived down and boarded the Octopus. Kit and Jacques met him at the airlock.

"Hi Lemony, good to see you," said Jacques with an ingratiating grin. "Can we let bygones be bygones?"

Lemony's stomach clenched at seeing the brother who betrayed him. It was painful to be civil to Jacques, but there was too much at stake to alert his suspicions.

"All right, Jacques," he said with a forced smile. "After all, it's been fifteen years..."

They passed quickly through a room in which several people were chained to oars. Lemony particularly noticed a bald man with a big nose and a large person of indeterminate gender.

"Who were those?" Lemony asked Kit.

"Just traitors being punished. Don't bother about them," said Kit.

Lemony frowned to himself. This hardly seemed the same noble, idealistic organization he had known fifteen years ago.

Lemony manned the periscope while Kit steered and Jacques commanded the rowers. The Octopus surfaced among the fishing ships and began slashing nets with the long sharp blade attached to the flexible mechanical fly-swatter arm on the top of the Octopus's "head".

With each slash another net was split open. It was going very smoothly. Almost too smoothly, Lemony thought. There were very few fishermen aboard the ships, and those that he could see were wearing diving suits and flippers. Suddenly, it came to him where he has smelled that odor before. In the South Seas...

"It's a trap!" Lemony yelled. "We've got to get away, NOW!"

Kit didn't question him. She immediately put the controls into reverse and began a dive.

On the intercom, they could hear Jacques calling out, "Row, row for your lives!"

The people on the deck of the fishing vessels suddenly dove into the water and swam away, just as the enormous tentacles of the sea-monster, a gigantic killer Nautilus which Lemony had first faced in the South Seas, grabbed the ships and began to crushing them. The Octopus would have been crushed too, if it has stayed on the surface an instant longer.

"How did they know we would be here tonight?" gasped Kit.

"The waiters! They must have betrayed us -- the other side gave them a better offer," said Lemony.

Suddenly the ship shuddered and Lemony was thrown to the floor. When he got up and looked out the porthole, he saw that one leg of the Octopus had been caught by a tentacle. The submarine was being drawn inexorably back into the crushing death-grip of the monster.


	6. A Poached Egg is Much Trickier

Chapter 5 of Book the 13th 

"Cut off the leg!" Lemony yelled, pointing out the porthole at the place where the Octopus was being gripped by the sea monster.

"Right," said Kit. "I'll use our blade on the tentacle!"

"No, that'll just make it mad. Cut the leg off the Octopus!" said Lemony.

"I'll try," said Kit.

She used the controls to bring the flexible mechanical arm down into the water. She slammed it into the captured limb again and again. The metal leg was hard to sever. Finally it broke, just as the blade also snapped in two. As the Octopus darted away, the monster kept mindlessly crushing the piece it had left.

When Lemony got back to the Queequeg he found that Widdershins was white and shaking.

"I saw it! Aye! It was horrible! Horrible! Aye!" said Widdershins.

"I've seen it before," said Lemony. "It belongs to a major new enemy, a cartel of international criminals. They want our secrets, especially the sugar bowl."

"I have to shield Fiona from knowing about this," said Widdershins. "There are secrets too terrible for a young child to know. Aye!"

"There are secrets too terrible for anyone to know," replied Lemony.

Widdershins nodded and headed toward his cabin. Suddenly he gave a roar of rage! The door to the prisoner's room was open, and there was no-one inside.

"Cookie!! Did you open the door to the room I told you was none of your beeswax?"

"Of course not," Lemony lied.

"Then why is it standing open?" asked Widdershins.

"Maybe the marmosets did it. They're curious creatures," said Lemony.

"Curious enough to unlock a door?" asked Widdershins.

"Are you sure it was locked?" Lemony pointed to a tiny screw that he had planted in the corner of the door frame. "Maybe that kept it from locking properly."

"I don't trust you. Aye! And you're a lousy cook, too. Aye! If you can't cook, you joined my crew under false pretenses! Aye! If you joined under false pretenses you must be a traitor and a spy! Aye! If you're a traitor, I'll hand you over to Jacques as a new galley slave! Aye! So prove you can cook!"

"How?" asked Lemony.

"Make me a poached egg, right now! Aye!"

Lemony barely knew how to boil water, but he bravely went into the kitchen thinking "How hard can it be to make a poached egg?"

He soon found out. He managed to get water boiling, and to crack an egg without breaking the yolk after two tries, but as soon as he put the egg into the boiling water the whites turned into stringy strands and went all over the pot.

"Cookie, where's my egg?" Widdershins demanded from the next room.

"Just a minute," said Lemony. He desperately dumped the ruined egg into the sink along with most of the hot water. As he turned back to the stove, he jarred the shelf and an open bottle of vinegar tipped over and poured into the water. He didn't have time to boil more water, so he tried one more egg. Miraculously, this time the egg stayed together. The vinegar in the water had prevented it from separating. He covered the pot and waited a few minutes, producing a perfect poached egg. He brought it to Widdershins.

"All right, you can cook! I apologize! Aye! No, I don't! You can cook, but you haven't been cooking well for me! You're fired! Aye!" said the Captain.

"Who will you get instead?" asked Lemony, glad to be leaving the Queequeg but a little offended anyway.

"A nice young woman named Meg Eigis applied for the job. Aye! I talked to her by phone yesterday. She said she could prepare inn food. Sounds very good. Aye!"

"Inn food or 'in' food? I'd be careful if I were you," said Lemony.

"Oh, you're just jealous over losing your job! Aye!" said the Captain. "I'm sure she's at least as trustworthy as you." (She wasn't.)

It was very late when Widdershins put Lemony ashore at Damocles Dock, along with his luggage and his marmosets. Lemony trudged up the deserted street until he spotted a Chinese restaurant, the "Lau See Luck." He selected a sheer pair of gloves from his bag (not the ones with loud bells) and soon he had in his possession a long pair of chopsticks and a large takeout box containing cold Chop Suey. These were tools he would need for his dangerous mission the next day -- discovering the new secret identity of Beatrice.


	7. A Pair of Chopsticks is a Suitable Tool

Chapter 6 of Book the 13th

It was a long walk back to the City. Lemony was exhausted from a sleepless night, but he hadn't wanted to take a taxi back in case they reported to the V.F.D. about where he was going.

There was no time to lose. He had to get to the office of the Secretary of Annulment Dispensation and get Beatrice's annulment document so that he could find her in her new life and they could be together at last. Today was the day the papers would be locked up in the Secret Annulment Dispensation Document Enclosure Room where they would be much harder to get.

He arrived at the Royal Palace in the late afternoon. Lemony was nervous about going into the Palace since he was accused of the Royal Gardens arson and he hadn't stopped to disguise himself. He carried the Chinese takeout box and chopsticks, taking on the manner of a hurrying delivery boy.

He dashed through the corridors to the office of the Secretary of Annulment Dispensation. He found the Secretary sitting at the desk and placing papers in an open briefcase.

Lemony set the box of Chop Suey down on the desk. "Chinese delivery lunch special," he announced.

"I didn't order Chinese food and I already had lunch," said the Secretary coldly.

"It's already paid for, Sir. Here!" Lemony pushed the box too hard and it landed in the Secretary's lap. In the instant the man looked down at his lap, Lemony used the chopsticks to remove papers from the open briefcase. He pushed them into his coat pocket with a smooth motion and slapped the chopsticks onto the table.

"You clumsy oaf, you're lucky that box didn't come open on my nice suit. You're not getting a tip!" said the angry bureaucrat.

"Yes, Sir. Very good, Sir," said Lemony, quickly backing out of the room. In his nervousness he took a wrong turn into the restricted section of the palace. Two burly-looking palace guards challenged him.

"Let's see some identification," one of them said.

Lemony produced one of the fake business cards he had had printed for occasions like this. He drew himself up to his full height and adopted a haughty French accent.

"As zis card weel show you, I am an Admiral in zee French Navy. I have zee, 'ow you say, deeplomatic immunity."

"Oh, sorry to bother you, Sir. Carry on, but the Diplomatic Wing is back that way," said the other guard.

Lemony set off down the hall at a fast walk, when suddenly he heard a guard yell behind him: "I know where I've seen that face before -- on wanted posters! That's the infamous arsonist Lemony Snicket!"

Lemony ran with the guards in hot pursuit. As he raced down the steps of the palace he noticed a carnival setting up tents in a vacant lot nearby. On the tents were various symbols, and on one large tent was the insignia of the V.F.D.!

Lemony raced to the large tent and ducked in. Inside was a woman wearing a turban, sitting in front of a large crystal ball.

"Madame Lulu is not giving the readings now, please," she said. "Come back later when we open, please."

"The world is quiet here," said Lemony, hoping she was on his side of the schism. "I need a place to hide."

"Very well, you be hiding in tent corner. Is good curtains for hiding there."

Lemony hid in the corner under a dark curtain. Just as he hid, the Palace Guards entered. "Have you seen a man with one eyebrow come through here?" one guard said.

"Madame Lulu will be reading the crystal ball to tell you what you want to hear," Lulu said. "I see him, he is running down Swindle Street."

"Thank you, Madame Lulu," said one of the guards. They took off in that direction.

"Thank you, Madame Lulu," said Lemony when they had gone.

"Is no problem, please," said Lulu.

"May I invite you to dinner as a way of saying thanks?" asked Lemony.

"Yes, please," said Lulu. "Anywhere but the Cafe Salmonella, please."

Lemony strongly agreed. They went to the Veritable French Diner instead.

As they were being seated, Lemony said, "May I ask your full name?"

"Is Lulu diLustro, please," said Lulu.

They sat for a moment in silence. Then Lemony began the dinner conversation with a good opener.

"Madame diLustro, I believe I've discovered your true identity!" he said. 


	8. The Guest Caravan With My Brother

Chapter 7 of Book the 13th 

Madame diLustro gave a little gasp of surprise and fear.

"What do you mean? What do you know about me?" Her false accent had dropped away.

"I mean that your real name is Olivia," said Lemony with a smile. "I remember you from training classes at the Valley of the Four Drafts."

"Oh yes, that's true," said Olivia. "And now I remember you also... Lemony Snicket!"

"Not too loud, there are people after me," said Lemony. "It's hard to know who to trust."

"Things have become very harem-scarem these days," Olivia said sadly.

"It would be nice to forget all that and talk about the good times we had up there on Mount Fraught," suggested Lemony. "Remember Professor Kornbluth and his little black bag of tools?"

They talked over old times and enjoyed dinner together, becoming friends again.

"I need to get back to my temporary headquarters," Lemony said after dinner. "I dropped off my marmosets there on my way to the Palace."

"You have marmosets?" asked Olivia. "How wonderful! Why don't you bring them to the Carnival, and stay there for a while yourself?"

"I don't know..." Lemony hesitated.

"I'm a V.F.D. detective," coaxed Olivia. "I have a reference library of information that might be useful to you. And I'm a good cook -- I make a great vegetarian lasagna."

That last point decided Lemony. He was tired of cooking for himself.

"All right, I'll do it," he said. "I'll get my pets and meet you back there."

"Is good. I will be seeing you soon, my Lemony," said Madame Lulu, resuming her accent.

Lemony hoped Olivia didn't have the wrong impression. She was an attractive woman, but his heart was only for Beatrice.

When he was at his temporary headquarters he was finally able to examine the papers he had stolen. He found the one with Beatrice's new identity: "Beatrice Spats, 1984 Brat Boulevard." He memorized the information and destroyed the papers so that no-one else, especially Count Olaf, would find out.

Now he needed to get the information to Duchess R so that she could invite Beatrice to the masked ball, but he would have to be very cautious now. The palace guards and the police would be watching his old associates, now that they knew he was back. Perhaps Olivia could help...

When he got back to the Carnival, Madame Lulu showed him around. The Carnival was much more successful back then than it was when my sisters and I were there. There were animal exhibits, jugglers, and clowns. They were not yet forced to rely on a freak show to draw customers.

Madame Lulu showed Lemony to a caravan at the far end of the carnival.

"This is the guest caravan, please" she said. "By the way, a relative of you shows up to keep you company, please."

She opened the door of the caravan. There was Jacques, lying on the lower bunk. Lemony was not at all pleased by this company. Had Captain Widdershins told Jacques about the incident of the missing prisoner, and had Jacques come to question Lemony?

But it seemed like Jacques had new troubles of his own. He gave a loud sigh.

"Hi, Lemony," he said. "Guess what? The Octopus has been stolen!"

"How did that happen?" asked Lemony.

"We pulled it into the dock last night to have the broken leg repaired," Jacques said. "A few hours later, a man showed up saying he was a V.F.D repair inspector. He wanted to take the ship out for a test drive to assess the damage. I let him do it. Turns out, it was Count Olaf in disguise!"

"You didn't recognize him?" asked Lemony.

"It was dark, and his act was pretty plausible," said Jacques.

"What happened to the crew?" Lemony asked.

"The galley slaves you mean?" said Jacques. "Olaf sailed away with them. They telegrammed us a mocking message that they were all joining his side. They're setting up a theater troupe called the Very Fine Dramatists. Some troupe -- it's just a bunch of thugs working for Olaf. To think that Fernald..."

"Fernald was there?" asked Lemony.

"Yes, he was there last night but I guess you never knew what he looked like," said Jacques. "He was the young man on the furthest bench back."

"The son of Beatrice, driven to working for that villain... it's monstrous!" said Lemony.

I don't think he'll be much use to Olaf. He rowed so hard when we were getting away from that monster that he damaged his hands. I don't think he'll be able to use them any more," said Jacques.

Lemony felt sick. What could he say to a brother who had turned so cold that he would do such a thing to his son? For that matter, Lemony himself felt complicit. He had used their slave labor and exposed them to danger too, hadn't he?

Somehow, he had to get Beatrice away from all this. In the morning he would find a way with Madame diLustro's help. Just now he was too tired. He climbed into the upper bunk and fell into an exhausted sleep.


	9. Costumed as a Dragonfly

Chapter 8 of Book the 13th 

The next day, Lemony went to Madame Olivia "Lulu" diLustro in her crystal-ball tent.

"Olivia, I need your help," he said.

"But of course, my Lemony," said Olivia. "After all, I am a Volunteer Fortune-telling Detective. Helping people is what I live for, please."

"I need to send several messages, but I don't want the police to intercept them. And the fewer people in the V.F.D. who know, the better," said Lemony.

"Very well, my Lemony."

"First, I must get a message to Duchess R, saying 'I have located her. Please send her an invitation to your masked ball care of Caligari Carnival.'"

Olivia pouted. "Her? So you have a girlfriend, my Lemony?"

"The love of my life," Lemony replied.

Olivia sighed. "Why are all the good ones taken? Oh, well. Let me be checking my reference library, please."

She looked through a set of newspaper clippings and notes she kept under the main table.

"I see that the Duchess is knowing the language of crickets. It happens that I am keeping the Mamba du Mal here for Montgomery Montgomery while he builds his new Reptile Room. That snake can communicate with crickets."

The communication process took several days, passing from cricket to cricket until it reached the Duchess. After the invitation was delivered to Madame diLustro, she delivered it by hand, in disguise, to Beatrice at the address on Brat Boulevard. Olivia brought the reply back to Lemony.

"My Dear Duchess," the reply read, "Your masked ball sounds like a fantastic evening, and I look forward to being there. I will come as a dragonfly. -- B."

Lemony smiled with delight, and thought, "A fantastic evening! She looks forward to being there! Oh, so do I."

"Now, we must be sending this reply back to the Duchess, please. There is no time to be using the crickets again. Do you have anyone else you can trust, please?"

"My cousin Isabella, the wife of Ferdinand Baudelaire. She knows the Duchess and she could visit her without suspicion," said Lemony.

"You be leaving it to me, please" said Olivia. Lemony walked out in a cloud of happiness; he didn't notice that Olivia had tucked the reply note into her library for future reference.

After Mrs. Baudelaire delivered the message, the Duchess sent off one more to the Carnival. In Sebald code, it warned: "Be careful, the palace guards are watching my house."

By carrier crow, Lemony sent back one final note, also in Sebald code, "Attending your masked ball is dangerous, but I'll be there." The plain text of the note was written to give the police the impression he was not coming, in case they intercepted it.

On the night of the ball, Lemony set out in a rented canoe across the lake formed by the dam which was above the Duchess's seaside home. Using Olivia's maps, he had planned this approach to get safely past the guards.

When Lemony got to the shore, he sawed holes in the rented canoe and sunk it so that it would not be found. Next, he put on his camouflage suit. It was actually a very large glove made of green and leafy fabric, from Madame Lulu's equipment. As a "nature-spirit hand from the beyond" it had never worked very well for her, anyway. It was large enough that he could stand in the middle finger, where he had cut two eye-holes. He cautiously moved from bush to tree in the shrubbery-covered landscape.

The camouflage worked very well until he had to cross the flagstone court to get into a side door of the house. Suddenly, an alert palace guard spotted him!

"Halt! Who goes there? If that's Lemony Snicket, you're under arrest for trespassing in restricted zone of the Palace with intent to commit arson, and for impersonating a French admiral!" cried the guard.

Lemony ducked into the door of the house and immediately ditched the glove in the hallway. Underneath he was wearing a bullfighter costume with a scarlet cape made of silk and a vest embroidered with gold thread and a skinny black mask. On his feet were his favorite shoes, a bright red pair with strange buckles which he had obtained with great difficulty from a sinister shoe emporium. He stepped into the main ballroom and blended in with the other guests.

Four palace guards entered on his trail, all dressed in scorpion costumes to keep from alarming the guests. They knew Lemony was here somewhere, but they didn't know which guest he was. There must have been a over hundred guests that night, in all manner of fantastic costumes -- lions, reptiles, oak trees, Littlest Elves, and more. All were milling around conversing and drinking cocktails as the live orchestra played polkas in the background.

As Lemony walked around trying to avoid the guards and to spot the dragonfly costume of Beatrice, he came across Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire, both dressed as angels and not wearing masks.

"Isabella," whispered Lemony to Mrs. Baudelaire.

"Is that you, L?" she whispered back. "The person you're looking for is out on the veranda."

"Thank you, Isabella," said Lemony. "By the way, congratulations on the birth of your new daughter Violet."

"Thank you," said Isabella. "We plan to have two more, since the V.F.D. likes to recruit sets of three siblings. Those lucky Quagmires already have triplets."

"If we have a boy and a girl next, we plan to name them Klaus and Sunny," said Ferdinand Baudelaire.

Lemony was a little shocked, "You mean like Klaus von Bulow, who was put on trial for poisoning his wife Sunny?"

Isabella gave a tittering laugh, "Yes. A little in-joke. They may have to learn to be killers when they grow up. These are harsh times."

Lemony felt again how very much everyone had changed in his absence. He nodded a goodbye to the Baudelaires and headed to the veranda.

There she was, on the polished gray marble veranda, costumed as a dragonfly, with a glittering green mask and enormous silvery wings. She looked a little heavier than he had expected, but that didn't matter to Lemony.

Once, when he was first accused of arson, she had written and forbidden him to see her for the rest of his life, but he was hopeful things were different now. He could give her the message he had been longing to give her for fifteen long and lonely years.

Just then, a bell rang, calling the guests to dinner. The guests began moving into lines for the buffet tables on the sides of the room. That gave the guards a clear view out onto the veranda -- and they spotted Lemony.

"Beatrice," Lemony cried. "Count Olaf is the one who set those fires, not me. I'm innocent, and I love you. Now that you're free of your old life, come away with me!"

"No," said Beatrice.

"No?" said Lemony.

"I love someone else now," said Beatrice. "I've finally found the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm carrying his child."

"Then why did you agree to meet me here tonight?" asked Lemony in despair.

"So that you would know I was happy, and move on," Beatrice replied.

"Don't move, Snicket!" came a sudden loud voice. "You're under arrest!"

Lemony was so shocked by what Beatrice said that he hadn't noticed the four guards moving up. They were between him and the ballroom.

He was caught. He didn't care. What did it matter, if Beatrice didn't love him?


	10. Handcuffed Due to Mistaken Identity

Chapter 9 of Book the 13th 

"Lemony Snicket, you're under arrest!" the guard said again. "Put your hands up."

The loud voices of the guards attracted the attention of the party guests. Among them was the Baron van der Wetering, a good friend of Lemony's from the old days, attending the ball in an oak tree costume.

"By Jove!" the Baron shouted to create a distraction. "There's a tiger under the buffet table! I hear it growling!"

Guests on the Baron's side of the room screamed and rushed away from the table. The guards turned to look for an instant. Beatrice took advantage of their confusion.

"Oh my, the man I was talking with was the notorious Lemony Snicket? Catch me, I feel faint!" She flopped into the guards, her large dragonfly wings half bowling them over.

This was enough to shake Lemony out of his funk. If he still had friends who cared enough to help him get away then life was not so hopeless after all. He launched himself over the veranda balcony and into the shadows of the bushes below.

They'd be after him in an minute; it was no good running off through the woods. He had to go back in and change costumes. He slipped into an open window and headed down the dark hallway away from the ballroom. He headed to the guest room he had stayed in once before, where the Duchess had said she would store his box of extra disguises.

Lemony's navy blue suit was at the top of the box. It was the only other clothing he had on hand; it would have to do. He quickly stripped out of the bullfighter costume and put on the suit. As he was folding up the bullfighter cape, he noticed a small piece of paper sticking out from under a book on the table. He was about to pick it up when he heard voices approaching. He stuffed the bullfighter suit into the box and ducked into the closet, just in time.

"In here," said a voice. "This is the room where we're supposed to get the note."

"Yes sir, Count Olaf," said the young man with him. "I see it! Under the book on the table."

"Get it for me, O. Lucafont," said Count Olaf.

There was a scraping sound as Lucafont struggled to pick up the note. "I'm not used to these blasted hooks yet. Okay, here."

Olaf unfolded the note, and read, "I just saw your worst enemy is here tonight in a red bullfighter costume. He was talking to your other worst enemy, a woman in a dragonfly costume."

"Heheeheehehha!" chuckled Olaf. "Lemony Snicket has been betrayed. By his own relative, too! I'll get Tocuna and Flo to follow the woman in the dragonfly costume when she leaves tonight. I want to know where she lives. You and the rest of the troupe will make sure Lemony is caught."

"What about the person who left the note? If they would betray their own kin, they may betray you too," said Lucafont.

"I'll wipe them out too, someday," said Olaf. For now they're more useful to me alive. Let's go."

After they were gone, Lemony came back out into the room. He had just received two bits of unpleasant news. First, that a relative had betrayed him. Second, that Beatrice was in danger. She had to be warned not to lead Olaf's troupe to her new home!

Lemony headed for the door. He might pass as a waiter in his navy blue suit... no, it was far to risky to go out with his face unmasked. He improvised a hasty costume by putting on the breastplate, helmet, and gauntlets from a suit of armor in the corner of the room. (Too bad he hadn't kept a diving suit from the Queequeg. It would have concealed his identity better, and been more useful as things turned out.)

Lemony saw that everything was in confusion in the ballroom. The police had been called in and they were questioning the guests and the staff. Suddenly he noticed several members of Olaf's troupe that he recognized from the Octopus. All were wearing navy blue suits, apparently trying to pass as waiters themselves. Lemony stepped out into the room, hoping to blend and then find Beatrice.

Count Olaf spotted him. He glanced down at Lemony's shoes with a triumphant grin. Lemony did also and realized his mistake. In his haste he had forgotten to change the bright red shoes with strange buckles, suitable for a bullfighter but not for a knight in a blue suit and armor. Olaf whispered to his troupe, and each one took a helmet from one of the suits of armor standing along the side of the wall.

Olaf shouted, "I'm Lemony Snicket, and you'll never take me alive, coppers!" (His uncanny resemblance to Lemony had enabled him to frame Lemony several times in the past).

Olaf put on the helmet and began running around, waving his arms. His troupe did the same. They all rushed past Lemony, who stood in shock as the eyes of every policeman in the room turned his way.

Lemony shouted, "Wait, no! It's a case of mistaken identity!" But it was no use. The police handcuffed him and began to drag him away.

"Beatrice, Count Olaf is going to have you followed!" he tried to shout, but the armored helmet muffled his voice and no-one could understand him.

The police car took Lemony away, sirens blaring. Before they got off the grounds, they hit a big pocket of water in the road and the car stalled. The police got out and tried to push the car. It was no good. The water was getting deeper, as if there was a sudden flood.

"Snicket, get out and help us push," demanded one of the cops.

The policeman prodded Lemony with billy club. Desperate to go back and warn Beatrice, Lemony exploded out of the car. The police, armed only with billy clubs, were no match for a desperate man in armor. He fought free and rushed off into the woods.

Lemony stumbled along in knee-deep water. It was dark and he had no sense of direction. He was lost in a forest that was slowly filling up with water.

He realized the Duchess must have opened the floodgates of the dam in a last-ditch attempt to help him. That would have been nice, except that he was handcuffed. Since he was handcuffed, he couldn't take off the armor. Since he couldn't take off the armor, he couldn't swim. And the water was rising fast.


	11. A Pirate Experiencing Amazement

Chapter 10 of Book the 13th 

Lemony realized that the handcuffs had been fastened around the wrists of the gauntlets, not directly around his own wrists. He looped the chain around a low tree branch and with much tugging he managed to pry off the gauntlets without losing too much skin in the process. He swiftly tore off the rest of the armor and began to run through the water, hoping to catch sight of the lights of the house.

Bad luck continued to plague him. He slipped on a muddy bank and went down into a gully that was raging with a torrent of water. He kept his head above water by grabbing onto a floating log, but the current was too strong to fight. Before he knew it he was swept out to sea.

Lemony was miserable. His only love had rejected him for another. Trying to talk to her had only exposed her to danger. And now here he was, swept along by currents and powerless to help her. A storm blew up, but his face was already drenched with tears before it began to rain.

Waves battered the log. He had nearly given up holding on when he saw a large black frigate sailing nearby. He waved and shouted to it, and it turned in his direction. Someone on the ship threw down a life-preserver ring tied to a rope.

As Lemony grabbed it, he noticed the elaborate knot that tied the rope to the life-preserver. He recognized it as a Devil's Tongue knot, a trademark of the famous Female Finnish Pirates. They were likely going to rob him, and to toss him back into the sea when they realized he had nothing, unless he came up with something fast.

"Shiver me timbers!" he called as they pulled him on board, posing as a pirate experiencing amazement. "Glad to see more pirates, I am. I was swept off the deck of a pirate ship in the storm. Arr. Me name is Swashbuckling Snicket."

"Terve (hello), Pirate Snicket," said a tall woman with long blond hair. "My nimeni (name) is Pirate Jenni, the Captain of this ship. These are my crew-mates Pirate Eeva, Pirate Ronja, Pirate Ulla, and Pirate Sisko."

"Arr, pleased to meet you," said Lemony.

"Hauska tavata sinua (pleased to meet you)," chorused the other pirates.

"Their English is not good, valitettavasti (sorry)," said Pirate Jenni.

"Arr, I say kiitos (thank you) for saving me," said Lemony, putting to use one of the few Finnish words he knew.

Jenni seemed pleased. "We don't let men join our crew, but since you know some Suomea (Finnish) we might make an exception. Are you good with a weapon?"

"Arr, I can hit an olive with a bow and arrow from twenty paces, I can" said Lemony.

Jenni spoke to the others in rapid-fire Finnish and they fetched a bow and arrow and an olive for him to demonstrate. Though he was an excellent shot, Lemony was very nervous about attempting this on a rolling ship. His V.F.D. archery training came through, however. Pirate Eeva tossed the olive into the air, and Lemony speared it to the mast with a well-aimed shot.

"Sometimes our enemies try to poison us when we take food in raids," said Jenni. "Can you tell if food is poisoned?"

"Arr, me nose for arsenic is so good I can sniff it out in cheese fondue without even tasting for it," said Lemony.

Again Jenni instructed the others, who went below and came up with two pots of cheese fondue. Lemony carefully sniffed them both. Poison detection was another bit of V.F.D. training in which he had excelled.

"Arsenic in the one on the right, there is," Lemony said.

"One more test," said Jenni. "We want someone who can entertain us by reciting poetry on dull nights at sea. Can you memorize poetry?"

"Arr, I can memorize up to three pages at once," said Lemony. Memorization was a skill that all V.F.D. members had to have.

Jenni spoke to the others and they brought him a copy of the Kalevala, an epic Finnish poem. Needless to say, it was in Finnish. This was a real challenge, but Lemony managed to read three pages and recite them from memory.

"Tervetuloa (welcome) to the crew, Pirate Snicket," said Jenni.

Thus began several long and difficult months at sea. Though there were some consolations being the only man on a ship of Female Finnish Pirates, Lemony longed to get back to warn Beatrice. He also missed his marmosets, although he knew Olivia was taking good care of them back at the Caligari Carnival.

His chance to escape from the pirates came at last when they raided a coastal village. He ducked into a phone booth and called a taxi while the pirates weren't looking.

The cab delivered him to 1984 Brat Boulevard. He was too late. Flames were pouring from every window!

"Beaaatriiiice!" Lemony yelled. He tried again and again to get into the building, but the fire drove him back.

"Stick around and be arrested for arson, Snicket!" yelled a voice from a car parked across the street.

Lemony looked at the car; it suddenly started up and sped away. Sitting beside Count Olaf in the back seat was a woman Lemony hadn't seen for years: Esmé Gigi Geniveve. Both were laughing uproariously. There was someone else driving the car. He couldn't be sure who it was.

Lemony sank down on the curb and sobbed. If only he hadn't tried to see Beatrice, she would have been left happy in her new life. If only the two of them hadn't stolen back the sugar bowl from Esmé at her tea party. If only his relative hadn't betrayed both himself and Beatrice at the masked ball...

His mind began to give way. The only desire left was for revenge.


	12. Refrigerator of One of My Enemies

Chapter 11 of book the 13th. 

As Lemony sat weeping by the curb, a large Rolls Royce pulled up in front of the house. A short man emerged from the car, followed by a butler carrying an armload of packages and a nurse carrying an infant girl.

"My house!," shouted the man, "My wife was at home! Did you see what happened? Did she get out?" he asked Lemony.

"No," said Lemony miserably.

"I was just out for a few minutes buying some toys for our darling Carmelita," the man said. "How could a fire have started so fast?"

"I can't help you," said Lemony. He walked away before the man could identify him as a wanted arsonist.

Lemony vowed, "Olaf, I'll expose you to the world. I'll dedicate my life to collecting information about you, starting now."

For the next thirteen years, Lemony was a phantom. Very few people knew for sure that he was still alive. Lemony didn't know whether it was Kit or Jacques or Isabella who had betrayed him, so he kept out of the sight of everyone, working in disguise and by covert channels. But documents started showing up at the Valorous Farms Dairy, in the vast filing system of the Heimlich Hospital, and in many other places. He even started visiting the archives of the Daily Punctilio (which were stacked beside the street in Paltryville), tearing out articles about himself and Olaf, and tossing them into the wind near places frequented by V.F.D. members. People began talking about the Snicket Files.

The only blind spot in his paranoia was Madame Lulu diLustro. He continued to trust her and let her help him with investigations. It was an unfortunate blind spot because Madame Lulu could not be trusted. She would help anyone who asked; if anyone asked her if Lemony was still alive, she would tell them. One of the people who did was Jacques Snicket.

One day, when Lemony was secretly spying on the Baudelaire home, he spotted a woman coming out who looked like Esmé in disguise. He decided he must investigate further. That night, when the Baudelaire parents were out, he sneaked into their house using the tunnel from 667 Dark Avenue (Jerome Squalor owned the building and rented out apartments there, but he was not yet living in the penthouse).

We Baudelaire children had been left that night with an unreliable babysitter named Meg Eigis. She had fallen asleep early and left us to watch a scary movie called "Vampires in the Retirement Community." When we heard noises downstairs, we thought vampires were coming to get us. But now we know that it was only Lemony.

Lemony began looking for clues wherever he could. When he came to the kitchen and found the his-and-her refrigerators, he opened them and looked inside. In Isabella's refrigerator he found eggplant parmesan, beans and rice casserole, and veggie burgers. In Ferdinand's refrigerator were steak, roast chicken, and hot dogs. He knew then that Isabella was a vegetarian, or at least pretending to be one, or had a vegetarian visiting her for a few days. He also knew that vegetarianism was currently "in."

Next he checked out the hatstand in the hall. There was a round hat with feathers sticking out every which way, also very "in." He checked the label in the hat and found a designer label reading "Exclusively for Esmé ."

Finally, he checked Isabella's desk. There were several Post-It notes on the papers. He examined them carefully. The writing was exactly like the bit of script he had seen that night on the paper poking out from under the book.

Isabella Baudelaire was his mortal enemy, the relative who had betrayed both himself and Beatrice to Count Olaf.

"Isabella," Lemony thought, "If anything terrible happens to you or your children (and I know Count Olaf will do something sooner or later), then I'll write down every miserable detail in a series of books, in a mock-serious style so that the world will laugh at their misfortunes. This will be my duty; I swear it."


	13. An Unsightly Ring on the Wood

Chapter 12 of book the 13th. 

A few days after Lemony investigated the Baudelaire's refrigerator, he made two more unpleasant discoveries. The first was at lunch in the Cacophonous Cafeteria, where he ordered spaghetti and meatballs. He often just toyed with his food, but that day he cut into one of the meatballs, disclosing a miniature camera hidden inside. He was being photographed!

The second discovery was when the man in the seat opposite Lemony in the train left his seat for a few minutes to go to the lavatory. Lemony, his suspicions aroused by the meatball, decided to take the opportunity to search the man's luggage. He found photos of himself dating back for the last six months, and the start of a report to I.B. -- Isabella Baudelaire.

Lemony decided it was time to pay a visit to Isabella. He set off early the next morning. This time he took a different secret route that almost no-one knew. There was a passage from Lousy Lane to the Fountain of Victorious Finance and the Fickle Fountain. Branching off in the middle of that passage was another hidden passage that led to the one connecting 667 Dark Avenue to the Baudelaire's.

As he pushed open the trapdoor, Lemony heard voices.

"We've sent the children off to the beach for the day so we can conduct our business undisturbed," came Isabella's voice.

Lemony had noticed on his last visit that there were concealed spy-holes all over the house. He located one that gave him a magnified view of the Baudelaires in the dining room. There was a tube that conducted sound from the room also.

"Would you like some brandy, Count Olaf?" offered Mr. Baudelaire.

"Yes!" said Olaf, grabbing the whole bottle from him. "I'm in a bad mood!"

"Why?" asked Isabella.

Count Olaf slammed down the wet whiskey bottle on the table, not bothering to use a coaster. Lemony could see he had made an unsightly ring on the wooden table.

"The weather report this morning said there is going to be a thunderstorm tonight. I was planning to burn down the Valorous Farms Dairy and that will make it much harder," said Olaf.

"I'm sure you'll manage," said Isabella. "You always do. Anyway, I have some good news for you."

"What is it?" asked Olaf.

"The detective I hired has proof that Lemony Snicket is alive -- he sent us photos. We can use them to get the police hunting after him again," said Isabella.

"I think using the photos themselves is a bad idea. They can be traced back to you. That'll blow your cover as double agents," said Olaf.

Mr. Baudelaire had a suggestion, "Why don't we trace Lemony's face from the photos and send the tracings to the police as an anonymous tip?"

"Good idea, darling," said Isabella.

They spread the photos out on the table and started trying to trace Lemony's face.

"By the way, have you heard anything about a woman who is snooping into the Royal Gardens fire after all these years? She tried to bribe an old attendant of the Poisonous Pavilion using a stolen credit card," said Ferdinand. "He informed me since I was on the Board of Directors."

"No, I hadn't heard that," said Olaf. "I wonder who it could be?"

(Note from K.B.: We now know that it was "Justice" Strauss).

"That was your first fire, wasn't it?" asked Isabella.

"Everyone thinks so, but actually no. I was sitting peacefully in the Poisonous Pavilion drinking whiskey and contemplating the daturas, when I saw a man run by with a mushroom in a tightly-sealed glass box. Then the fire he set engulfed the building. I was seen running away, but fortunately I was able to frame Lemony," said Olaf.

"Was it Gregor Anwhistle?" asked Ferdinand.

"Yes, and the plant he stole was a Medusoid Mycelium. The Official Fire Department had to burn the rest of the Royal Gardens and cover them with specially-treated dirt to prevent the spores from spreading," said Olaf.

"That wasn't long before the schism," said Isabella.

"That theft and arson inspired me. Why not form my own branch of the V.F.D. to set fires for fun and profit?" said Olaf.

"An excellent plan," said Isabella. "We've always favored your side of the schism, though my husband and I pretended to be on the quiet side."

"When our children grow up a bit more, we'll get them to join you." said Ferdinand. "We've set up our will so that you'll be their guardian if anything happens to us."

Lemony had heard enough. He shut the peephole with a snap. Unfortunately, the sound tube conducted and amplified the sound to the people in the dining room.

"There's someone spying on us!" said Isabella. "We've got to stop them or our cover is blown."

"If people are watching you, your cover is already blown," said Olaf. "I've got a better idea. You're no further use to me, so I'll burn you up and steal your fortune from the children. Thank you for making me their guardian!"

Olaf, expert arsonist that he was, dashed the rest of the brandy onto the curtains and set them ablaze with a match. Mr. Baudelaire rushed at him, but Olaf knocked him to the floor with a single punch.

Isabella Baudelaire ran from the room. Count Olaf pursued, but turned down a different hallway by mistake and caught sight of Lemony.

"At last we meet again," said Olaf. "Hee hee heh heh theater critic!"

He charged Lemony and they struggled. Lemony fought valiantly, but Olaf was by far the stronger. He pummeled Lemony until he knocked him out.

When Lemony woke up, Olaf was gone. The room was filled with smoke and flames were closing in from all directions.


	14. The Damp Surroundings of a Fountain

Chapter 13 of Book the 13th 

Lemony had trained in fire-survival as part of fire-fighting. Crawl, stay low to avoid the smoke. Always know where the nearest fire-exit is. So now he crawled, painfully, on hands and knees in the direction of the trapdoor. The air was horribly hot, painful to breathe.

The trapdoor was open; he scuttled through it and pulled it shut. Just as he did, he felt the shock of something heavy falling on top of it. Perhaps a bookcase, perhaps a piece of ceiling.

He felt in his pocket for his flashlight, only to discover he had forgotten to put it back in his pocket and it had been dropped during the fight with Olaf. (He would always regret not having that flashlight with him because he might have caught up with her sooner and prevented a tragedy). He began to run down the passage, calling out, "Isabella!" In the distance, he heard a gasp and steps running away.

The sounds led into the cross-passage and then toward the Fountain of Victorious Finance. Isabella didn't have a light with her either. Lemony wondered if she knew where she was going or if she had gotten lost.

Lemony heard footsteps going up a metal ladder, then the opening and closing of a large metal door. He ran to the door that led inside the Fountain of Victorious Finance. It was locked from the inside.

"Isabella, come out of there!" Lemony called. "A fountain might seem like a comforting place to hide after surviving a fire, but believe me, it isn't."

"No!" Isabella said. "You'll kill me, or turn me in to the V.F.D.!"

"Why did you join Olaf's side?" Lemony asked.

"You were always naive," said Isabella. "You couldn't see that the so-called quiet side of the V.F.D. was going bad, plotting to assassinate people with poison. If they went that far, why not join the side that was willing to act directly and profit at the same time?"

"Sadly, I admit that the V.F.D. has turned to poison. Even Kit has reconsidered using the poisonous Medusoid Mycelium," said Lemony. "And that's why the place you've chosen to hide is an exceptionally poor one. It's one of the Visitable Fungal Ditches."

"What? No, it can't be!" said Isabella.

"They 'ditch' mushrooms in there. And if I know the cycle, the mushrooms should be waxing right about now."

The answer was a scream followed by loud hacking coughs. Lemony tugged on the door, but it remained locked from the inside. He waited outside a long time, but our mother did not emerge.

Lemony walked slowly back to Lousy Lane and the other exit. He had a duty to perform - to write the story of whatever happened to the Baudelaire orphans and to make the world laugh at their misfortunes. He wasn't sure he would enjoy it as much as he first thought, when he swore to do it in the heat of anger. But he always kept his vows.

And that was the mission Lemony Snicket pursued during the last year of his life, writing the 'Series of Unfortunate Events' which are now complete. Since he died completing the 12th one, I (Klaus Baudelaire) have written the 13th. I'd like to think he had developed sympathy for us by the end. After all, he sacrificed his life to save ours.

I'd like to give credit to people who graciously granted interviews to make this book possible: Duchess R, who told me that the letter written by an impostor in her name contained accurate details; Gregor Anwhistle, now very old and out of hiding; Fiona, for telling me her childhood memories; Captain Chopfyte of the Palace Guard; Jenni the Pirate; and miscellaneous survivors of the V.F.D. who asked to remain anonymous.

I also give credit to the commonplace book Lemony was carrying when he died, and the many obscure hints he dropped in his writings about his life:

Leaving a box with Duchess R (UA, p. 26)Dr. Montgomery's reptile collection survivors (UA, p. 144)  
Jacques helped Lemony flee the country (UA, pp. 96-98)  
The marmosets (TGG, pp. 34, 99)  
Box with map of secret passages (TEE, p. 213)  
The Snicket Snickersnee and waiters (TGG, p. 99)  
Rescuing the ichnologist and the poached egg (TGG pp. 77,134)  
Chopsticks from the Chinese restaurant (TGG, p. 63)  
Using chopsticks to get papers (TGG, p. 64)  
Card saying Lemony was a French Admiral (TWW, p. 57)  
Madame diLustro conversational opener (TGG, p. 92)  
Stayed at the Carnival with his brother (TCC, p. 117)  
Olaf stole the Octopus (TGG, p. 200)  
Madame Lulu kept the reply note from Beatrice (TCC, p. 136)  
Lemony's coded letter to the Duchess (UA, p. 144)  
Sawing holes in a rented canoe (TCC, p. 1)  
The masked ball (TAA pp. 167-168, UA 25-26)  
Red shoes with strange buckles (TGG, p. 10)  
Betrayed by a relative (TCC p. 51)  
The navy-blue suit and armor (TSS, pp. 250-251)  
Lost in a forest filling up with water (TVV, p. 121)  
Female Finnish Pirates (TBB pp. 116-117, with notes in TBB-RE)  
A pirate experiencing amazement (TGG, p. 45)  
Difficult job interview: olive, fondue, poetry (TCC, p. 52)  
Refrigerator of an enemy (TCC, p. 36)  
Meatball camera (TCC, p. 73)  
Photographer on the train (TCC, p. 36)  
Olaf and the table stain (TBB-RE, pp. 171-174)  
Tracing face from photographs (TBB-RE, p. 172)  
Poisonous plant stolen before Royal Gardens fire (TBB-RE, p. 177)  
Fire survivor hides in a fountain (TBB-RE, p. 178)  
Visitable Fungal Ditches (TGG, p. 243)

There is one more thing my siblings and I would like to say. We don't blame any of you readers for laughing at our adventures as told in the books. Lemony's style is very droll. But please remember we are people, too, and the sufferings we went through were not funny to us. Our parents were villainous, but we aren't to blame for that, either. So please, when you think of us, we would ask that you think of us - with all due respect.

Sincerely,  
Klaus, Violet, and Sunny Baudelaire.


End file.
